On raising tweens
Anyone else in their parent-to-tweens era? Let's discuss!
My oldest daughter just had her first sleepover this past weekend. At 11, she had been looking forward to this for quite sometime, and the stars aligned for her first experience: she was invited to a friend’s sleepover birthday party right in our neighborhood. Great for her and for us, as we were familiar with the family and other guests and she would literally be one street away. Most importantly, our parenting intuition (read: gut feeling) and careful prep made us feel like she was ready.
My husband and I had talked a lot about the whole sleepover thing, after considering our own experiences and various things we had read about the pros and cons of this longtime childhood rite-of-passage. In the 90s, when we were growing up and in our own “tween era,” there really wasn’t a second thought to having sleepovers. I had so many! But in recent years, I had noticed that there was a rise in strong arguments for why kids shouldn’t have sleepovers. Of course, at the top of the list is the risk for exposure to terrible things like assault, guns, and experimenting with dangerous substances. Reading one article highlighting these threats is enough to make a parent swear off sleepovers forever.
Which is what I had pretty much done. Until, as is the case with the ever-evolving nature of parenting, the tide changed. I looked at my daughter, who is a responsible student and caring big sister and kind friend and loving daughter, and I thought: I don’t want to keep her from these experiences based solely on fear. Hell, if I did that, the sad truth is I wouldn’t send her to school every day.
I felt that she was ready, and I felt deep down that keeping her from experiencing certain things would do more harm than good in the long run. (Note that, of course, every child and family is different and I believe there is no right or wrong decision — just the decision that feels most right for your family.) So, we sat her down and talked about all of the things we needed to talk about with her in order for us to feel comfortable with her spending a night somewhere else. Much of it she had heard before, but this was an obvious time for a refresher, and left the floor open for questions (which she did have!). After that, I made sure to end the conversation on a high note, reinforce my confidence in her, and express how excited I was for her.
She ended up having a great time at the party, and slept more than I did, as I was up every hour to make sure I didn’t miss a message or a call from her. ;) It actually made me laugh how similar it felt to the newborn years, when you’re up all night checking on your baby to make sure they’re still breathing, even during the moments you could be sneaking a little sleep in. It made me wonder (and text my own mom): how will I ever sleep when the girls are teenagers?
But we’re not there yet. We’re in between: in between little kid and teenager, half underneath my wing and half stretching outward. Which, as it turns out, is a stage full of considerations and new experiences like the sleepover story above, and is its own parenting journey in and of itself. We talk a lot about raising teenagers—there are a million books and articles and podcasts on the subject—but not as much is said about those few years just before: tweenhood.
I’ve discovered that, so far, this stage requires recalibration. For so long, we have things just so. The routine is in place, the bedtimes are set, the rules are firm. And then, suddenly, our child is changing before our eyes: emotionally, physically, mentally. They are growing quickly, and it feels hard to keep up sometimes. Their needs are changing, and it requires a mini-upheaval of what was working for our small children; instead, we look at the newer version of our child in front of us and must decide what is best for them now. The hardest part (at least for me) is that sometimes that requires letting go a little bit.
Many tweens are navigating fluctuating friendships, new schools, higher expectations and heavier responsibilities. I’ve found that parenting tweens is a constant balance between fostering their growth and remembering that they are still young. I feel as though I’m always assessing what my tween might be “ready” for versus what would be too much, too soon. It’s a delicate dance of allowing them to stretch their wings and encourage their maturity in certain ways, while also allowing them to still be a kid, to mess up, to not know the answer, to receive some help.
This time of exploration for our kids can be exciting for them, and for us. They are learning what they like to do and what their strengths are, what types of people they enjoy spending time with. They are finding new hobbies and interests. Like many girls her age, my 11 year old has taken an interest in (age appropriate) skincare. When she first started to get into it, my first instinct was to ask why she needed skincare for her perfectly beautiful, young skin. It was to discourage it, for fear that she was growing up too quickly and picking up too keenly on society’s demands. But then I decided to loosen my grip a little, and I watched her have fun testing out powders and patting on lotion and confidently admiring her reflection. I made a choice to open up my ears to her opinions on which lip mask works best, and I won’t lie: being the guinea pig for her facials is not the worst thing in the world.
Just as our kids continue to grow, so do we, as parents. The tween stage has brought so much growth for both myself and my daughter, and I’m hopeful that this trend of growing together continues for… well, for forever. And as I admittedly tearfully look back on photos (damn you, Facebook memories!) of chubby hands and cheeks and toddler fun, I resolve to also look ahead with excitement for all that is yet to be. I will try my best to embrace the journey—especially the in-betweens—and to emerge from each phase a better parent and person (maybe even with softer skin!). ;)